How do I ask my partner to contribute more to shared expenses?

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Welcome to Money Confessions, where You’re in Good Company community members submit the money dilemmas that oh so many of us are experiencing, yet struggling to talk about.

This week, we’re exploring how to talk about sharing expenses with a partner.

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Hey Maddy and Sophie,

I want to some advice on how to chat with my partner about splitting expenses!

We have been together for 4 years and about to move into our first place (no more housemates!). He makes significantly more than me (we’re talking triple the amount..) and we need to talk about getting a shared account to split the day to day stuff. After listening to your pod and chatting with friends, I think it is reasonable that he contributes more.

Obviously this isn’t an easy conversation and to be honest, I have no idea how to start it. Could you give me some pointers?

Thanking you in advance!!

Starting to manage finances in a relationship feels like real adulting. When I first moved in with my partner, we had already been together for six years, but it wasn’t until we started co-inhabiting that I truly understood the differences in how we thought about and used money. So it’s safe to say that it’s always a bit of dance at the beginning, but with time, you will find a groove. But the key to finding a groove is open communication which needs to happen consistently.

The conversation around splitting expenses based on how much you earn is also intrinsically a tricky one, mainly because of capitalist ideals that have taught us to be pretty individualistic with money. So naturally, when you then go to ask someone to contribute more financially, the conversation can become a defensive one.

So let’s talk about the preparation phase: the things you need to consider yourself prior to starting the conversation.

1. Reflect on your feelings: Take some time to understand how you feel about splitting money with a partner. Why do you think they should contribute more or less and what makes that contribution fair?

2. Understand your partner's perspective: Consider how your partner might perceive the situation. Will they be receptive or defensive? How would you feel if your partner asked you to contribute more?Anticipating their reaction can help mitigate any heightened emotions that may arise during these discussions.

3. Get clear on what you are asking for and why: There are a few methods you can use to split expenses whether it be proportion of salary, based on consumption (e.g. if your partner just eats more or orders more food when they are out) or good old 50/50. Get clear on the exact figures or % and why you believe this works for you both? The ‘why’ is crucial.

Having a holistic view on why you are having this conversation is important. Then there a few things that will help aid the actual conversation…

1. Pick the right time and place: Schedule a money or planning date with your partner, where you can discuss a bunch of the admin that comes with moving in together. Put splitting expenses on the agenda.

2. Share stories and be vulnerable: Sharing a story from a friend or from something you have digested can be an easy way to bring up the topic. Be open about why you think its is important to split by your selected method and share stories from others who have navigated similar challenges.

3. Ask questions and acknowledge the challenges for the higher earner: It’s crucial that this is a two way discussion so ask questions to gauge their view on fairness and at what point they will feel comfortable.

4. Hold yourself to the same standard and set a fluid framework: Make them aware that this conversation is fluid and when you start earning more (if the capacity is there), then the dynamics of contributions splits will change. Emphasise that this discussion is not static.

This conversation can also originate from the higher earner. One of our community members gave their insight from this perspective.

Remember that the sharing situation isn’t black and white. You can always give one method a go and see how you both feel. For me personally, we have landed on splitting different expenses in different ways. Rent is based on salary proportion, our joint account for general expenses is based on consumption and savings goals such as travel is 50/50. We’ve shifted this around a couple of times and are very consistent in the chats we have about money.

A big thank you to our YIGC community member for sharing this dilemma, we hope that you find a happy medium that works for you both!

Tune into tomorrow’s episode for our most highly requested episode to date - all things salary!!!

Until next week,
Maddy and Soph x