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Your Taboo Money Perspectives

Do you have friends that earn more than you? Friends who’s parents have given them a helping hand? Your late twenties and early thirties is a funny time, with some people finishing or fresh out of uni, and others approaching the end of their first decade in full time work.

Of course, wherever you are at whatever age you are, that’s okay! There’s no “right” answer. But what I’ve observed is that it’s the age and stage where how much you earn, and how much money you have, starts to become more obvious.

“Financial tensions in friendships are likely to pop up amid life transitions”, says financial therapist Amanda Clayman to Vox. Whether it be graduating high school, a promotion, job loss, buying a home, marriage, or the birth of a child - these are all significant milestones capable of significantly altering an individual’s financial circumstances. “That affects what the financial norms are between friend groups,” Clayman says. Close friends who have done everything together for years, can very quickly find themselves in substantially different financial situations.

Which prompted us to ask, has money ever caused issues in a friendship? We’ve had lots of interesting conversations in our DMs, but more on that later! On this week’s podcast ep with Sophie McIntyre from ClubSup, we pondered the question, is the concept of “treating yourself” problematic? Here’s what you thought…

Is “treating yourself” problematic?

Ever wondered where the phrase “treat yo self” actually came from? In 2011, Donna and Tom from the comedy Parks and Recreation introduced a day dedicated to self-care called Treat Yo' Self Day. Each year, on October 13, the pair would set aside an entire day to indulge in whatever brought them joy, whether it be sipping mimosas, pampering themselves with a spa day, or anything else that took their fancy.

Today, the concept of “treating yourself” and self-care has become a booming commodity, with research connecting self-care and self-empowerment to rising consumerism.

I mean, who doesn’t love a bit of retail therapy!

One publication described the phenomenon as “a natural extension of morphing consumer wants into needs to drive sales”, whilst another pointed out that “more and more companies are realising that single women have a lot of disposable income and they don’t have the obligations of a family… meaning as a segment they’re quite viable to sell products to”.

It makes sense then, that this phenomenon seems to have largely attracted a female audience.

We laughed in last week’s episode imagining our dads popping out to the shops and returning with a new pair of shoes, announcing they’d just “treated themselves”. And yet, why is it so easy to picture when replacing the subject with your mum?

On the surface, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with the concept of treating yourself. Indulging yourself every now and then can be highly satisfying, especially during stressful periods or when you’re seeking some well-deserved reward for your hard work… Life is for enjoying after all!

What I do question however, is the emotional connotations that can arise with the phrase… Are you using it as a justification for spending, or a defence for the decline in your bank balance?

If you’re putting aside money each month, to spend on things that you want and make you feel good, then you should be spending that money guilt-free. If you’re ever feeling in the wrong for spending on something for yourself, I encourage you to think further about why that is.

If it’s because you’re spending money that you can’t really afford, it’s important to be mindful of these tendencies to treat yourself. Too much of this behaviour can become contradictory to its purpose of making you feel good, inadvertently heightening your stress levels. The purpose of self-care is to provide relaxation and peace of mind, not to become an added layer of financial burden!

But if your sense of guilt or need to justify is stemming from a belief that you’re not deserving, or the money could be better spent elsewhere, then let me share a statistic with you…

Research has found that women invest about 90% of their income back into their family, compared to 44% for men.

Life is for ENJOYING, and if you don’t believe me, believe Oprah…

“Over the years, I’ve interviewed thousands of people, most of them women, and I would say that the root of every dysfunction I’ve ever encountered, every problem, has been some sense of a lacking of self-value or of self-worth.”

So, treat yo self 🙂 

How do Splitwise politics work in your household?

40% of you reported putting everything in Splitwise, compared to 38% who said they only added bills and other big-ticket items. So it seems like there are two pretty evenly split camps of people when it comes to dealing with money in a household.

This doesn’t surprise us because Splitwise dynamics isn’t so much about Splitwise itself, but really about how you as an individual have been conditioned to deal with money. If you have a bit more of a scarcity mindset around money, then maybe it just makes sense in your brain that every items gets split evenly, and if your attitude is a little more laissez-faire (money comes, money goes), then you just believe that eventually it all comes out in the wash.

But obviously with different mindsets, the Splitwise app can sometimes cause some tension when you’re trying to work out the groove in a household.

We were confused about the no toilet paper thing… but the story raises an important point. It’s hard to talk about splitting money with friends or housemates because either a friendship dynamic is already set in place that makes it hard to bring up or you’re just getting to know people. But these conversations are necessary so that you’re not feeling left out of pocket, or potentially are the person making someone else feel left out of pocket.

The most important thing is just to be straight with your people. When I moved into my first share house, one of my girlfriends just said on the first day that everyone puts everything into Splitwise. Whether it be the $5 toothpaste or the $100 shop, you add it. From that point on, everyone was on the same page. So if there is a funny dynamic in your household, start the conversation as others might be thinking the same way or potentially just oblivious to how you’re feeling.

Also if you need toilet paper… try out Who Gives A Crap. A regular box is sent to you door so that you’ll never find yourself without and its very easy $60 entry into the Splitwise.

Have you experienced issues in a friendship because of money?

In your late 20s and early 30s, it can become apparent that people are earning different amounts of money - in some cases significantly different.

Sometimes, this is out of the choices made by the individual - so pursue a particular career or make certain sacrifices in their life to earn money. But in other circumstances, this can be a product of the systematic prejudice that underpins our society: class, race, gender, disability, inherited privilege, where you live, access to education… the list goes on.

Despite our reluctance to acknowledge it, this presence of income or wealth disparity can create challenges for forming new friendships and can lead to tension in our current relationships.

56% of you said money has caused issues in a friendship.

Whether it be that you feel you can’t afford to do the same activities, or you feel differently about people’s choices and willingness (or unwillingness) to spend. You may not feel comfortable talking about money, and all that comes with it - be it holidays, working, eating out, shopping. And you may not have the confidence or the language to raise this with your friends. Enter: resentment.

The good news is, navigating financial expectations among friends can be easily managed with a few easy tips and tricks.

1. Own the situation - higher earners should be open about spending preferences with friends and ask friends what they’re willing to spend, showing consideration for financial boundaries. Meanwhile lower-earning friends can help the situation by communicating their priorities and limits. Instead of just saying no to something you can’t afford, take initiative in organising a more affordable catch-up like a walk or a movie night - that way avoiding feelings of rejection for both sides of the friendship.

2. Set your boundaries from the outset - don’t wait until the vacay planning is well underway to share your budget for the trip. Be honest with yourself about your priorities, and be upfront with your friends about how much you’re willing to spend. If a friend is doing this with you, be respectful of what they’re telling you and work together to find something that makes everyone happy.

3. Keep your emotions in check - these conversations can be uncomfortable, and can bring up all sorts of emotions. Whether it be frustration that you’re having to opt for lower-cost activities when you’ve worked hard to afford them, or resentment that you’re spending money on things you just don’t value - try to take a beat, then talk through what you’re feeling without blaming others for the emotion. Placing yourself at the centre, saying things like “I’m feeling anxious about spending money on…” can help to open the communication lines with your friend.

4. Unpack what’s underneath the emotion - everyone feels differently about money, and that is shaped by our history, or what we like to refer to as your “money story”. Whether it’s the relationship your parents had with money whilst you were growing up, or your experiences with savings and debt, all of these thing can shape your emotional response. Understanding this feelings will help guide you through the complex emotions and friendship dynamics.

That’s it for this week. Get excited for tomorrow’s episode where we chat with the most down to earth Rachel Maksimovic about how much it actually costs to have a baby.

Until next week,
Mads and Soph x